Letting Go

I’m angry. And I’m tired. My mind and my heart ache. It’s always a combination out here of emotional ups and downs from being around the refugees and then being personally challenged by exhaustion. I am at the point of constantly wanting to cry, and spending energy trying to hold it back.

I am not sure that by simply sleeping I would recover. I am not sure what I need to do or how to go about getting it. I just know that I am sad and emotional.

Taking a shower is an amazing thing. It did help, and although I am not magically ready to take on the world, I feel a bit better. I cried a bit in the shower. That probably helped too.

Walking through the camp today I heard my name a lot. There are many Khadijas in this camp, but only one “Hawaji” Khadija (the white one). They just don’t stop calling my name. I think mostly it’s that it is easy to remember, and I am easy to spot. I take their pictures, show them, and chase after them. I can’t help but play with the children. Today I saw Ibrahim who I met in March.

As we walked out of the school today, a tear ran down my cheek. I wasn’t able to hold it back. I want to suck it back in, smile and continue to play, but I didn’t have the power, it had been released.

After showering, I lay on my back in the dark of our new guest house at Feed the Children I close my eyes and reflect. I can be both sensitive, and strong. I can shed tears, and work hard to bring that passion and emotion through my work to others.

The generator begins to hum and think, “My heart is not aching, it is growing bigger.”

Paz, ktj