Buried under Passion
I am feeling a bit down today.
We were up early in Guereda this morning, even though we had a little extra time to sleep in. We packed our bags, worked in the field office a bit and headed to the air strip. We didn’t have a security escort so we took big empty cargo trucks, probably because they won’t be targeted for banditry. It was a bumpy ride. Looking out of the back, with the thick plastic sheeting rolled up all the way, we said good bye to the desert.
Once in Abeche we wrapped up a few last minute details, and got on the computer. I have actually looked through my entire email box and cleaned up most of it. This is a task I usually can’t bring myself to do for weeks after I return from the camps. I should feel relieved or some sense of accomplishment or satisfaction for getting this task done, but I don’t.
Instead, I feel numb. I feel sad. The emails and the websites and the list of things to do are so far from where I am mentally. I don’t quite know where I am. I have spent almost three months of the last year and half in refugee camps here in Chad. With amazingly beautiful people. And the rest of the time, back in the States I get to travel around and share their stories, their reality and their hopes for the future. I get to dream up advocacy campaigns and push them into the public arena. I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. But I still feel so sad.
I want to curl up and cry. I want to look away, run away, be away. I thought all these months that I was a strong person, but now everything is catching up.
Adam said something that really struck me yesterday. When asked why he wanted the people of Darfur to learn about the world at his library, he intertwined his fingers and said, “We are all human beings.”
I think for sometime I have tried to bury myself below my passion and dedication to change the world. The people of Darfur have changed so much about me and taught me so much about myself. They have brought my own humanity to the surface. I guess in the end, we are simply all human.